Zombie Facts and Survival Tips

In a Zombie Invasion, it is your civil duty to know what the hell to do; 
ACT TODAY! Educate Yourself Now!

  Proposed Shirt Design. Artwork by me

The actual real deal

* Have you seen zombies in your area? Know what to do.

* Who do you call if you see one? Answer - No-one, it is your duty as a citizen to kill your own zombies.
* Do you know what to do if you are approached by a Zombie? I thought not

* Are zombies constantly knocking at your door at dinner time?

* After the zombie plague starts we will all be poor. The new currency will be weapons, fuel, trucks, food and cool friends with guns. All your money in the banks will evaporate as soon as the web and computer systems go down.

* Know your enemy: Buy or make a "Zombie Identification Poster" This is a poster showing graphical images of known zombie types and identifying features, with "easy kill" tips for each one.

Killing zombies can be fun, 

but did you also know these facts?

• Zombies cannot be reasoned with, ever!
• Zombie invasions can be fun, if you know what to do.
• Stay away from idiots. If someone says "hey lets split up", say "sure, you go that way!" (point in the direction with the most zombies, grab all the smart people and run like fuck, in the opposite direction.)
• Don't ever talk to a zombie, all they hear is "eat me!"
• Tell your children to never speak to zombies. A zombie looks at a child like a meat eater looks at veal. It's more tender than beef for you slow learners.
•  You don't want to mistakenly take an axe to the head of your local and harmless homeless guy or stoner. That is NOT cool, so know what the signs are and what to look for and ring the special "zombie sighting help line" on the poster. If we are still alive we could help. Above all, don't panic, people who panic, kill the wrong things, or die quicker, than non-panicky types. Calm, cool and alive, non-zombies.
• Overweight, unfit and obese people die first, due to the fact they can't run faster than a zombie. They can be great decoys though, as it takes a zombie much longer to eat "weight challenged" folk, which is simply politically correct, for biggish. Thus giving you ample time to get away.
• Remember, you don't have to be able to outrun a zombie, just the slowest non-zombie or human in the area at the time. Don't make friends with people you can't beat in a foot race...
• One scratch and you're pretty much fucked. The rest of us will kill you too, we have to. Get over it.
• Zombies can make a real mess of your nice shiny car when running them down and if they damage your radiator you will be their next meal for sure, when it overheats and dies, yes I said "when" Always use a truck, tank or military Hummer (someone else's preferably) when "skittering" zombie hordes and for fuck's sake, check the fuel gauge first. That shiny Mack truck, actually may have been abandoned because of low fuel, you know. Remember, if something looks too good to be true, it usually is.
• Don't get into a truck's drivers seat if you can't drive a truck. That's just dumb and asking for trouble. Make friends with a smart trucker.
• Vehicle theft is not a crime in a zombie invasion so rest easy. You real car thieves, don't try telling the cops, you stole that Porsche... by using the "zombie invasion defence" whilst pointing to a bunch of harmless homeless people. Cops aren't stupid, unlike the average thief, you know.
• A cop will be more likely to say, "here's some more ammo for that gun", than, " have you got a license for that thing mate."
• A zombie in a Police uniform is still a zombie, so run like fuck. Do not submit to a search, or give your address to a zombie copper. Definitely don't trust this type of  zombie cop, as they won't ask questions, just eat you.
• Zombies have been known to learn to use a gun. I once saw it in "Land of the Dead," but don't worry, their aim is complete shit.
• Getting high, or pissed, is generally not a good idea in a zombie invasion, unless you are in a secure location where no zombies are expected for the duration. Do not allow those on sentry duty to indulge no matter how much they beg. Promise to leave some beer, for them to have as soon as their shift is over.
• Although police evidence rooms may be a great source of weed supplies for you stoners, forget it. This practice is way too risky, as they are usually locked and the building will be full of other idiots that went there also thinking it was a great idea. These ex-living are now zombies waiting for new stoners to fall into their laps. Besides, most of us can't find the keys we own, so how the fuck do you find the correct key in a dark zombie infested police basement. Don't bother.

Good luck and keep your wits about you if you want to survive a zombie invasion.

Really want to buy a shirt? Contact me and I will see what I can do. 

See how cool I look in this shirt? (below) You can look cool too.

Don't worry if you are facially challenged, as most people will 

want to stare at your shirt, not your ugly mug. 

 

These shirts are also great for you chicks, as guys will no 

longer stare at your breasts, just the shirt.

During the first days of a zombie invasion, be sure to wear this shirt so people know they're hooking up with an educated zombie survival expert, having read my blog. Zombies may also be hesitant to attack you as you will look too cool to kill. Don't attempt to order a shirt once the invasion has started, as I am outa here.